Couples usually come for marriage counseling or couples therapy when a difficult relationship has become painful. This could result from a crisis, an ongoing struggle, a difficult life circumstance, or a betrayal. For many people, the situation feels either scary or hopeless. My goal is to help you rebuild a loving close relationship. I work hard to provide a safe, caring environment where each of you will feel heard and validated that your opinion matters.

One of the most painful things in a relationship is feeling like you can’t trust the person you’re with. If betrayal is involved, the steps to rebuilding a safe relationship need to be negotiated. I can help you determine the things you need from your partner that you are not getting now. We will talk about positive actions you can take to make you both feel valued and important in your relationship.

Couples who are willing to identify and to work through individual issues such as family of origin difficulties, possible past trauma or neglect, and the need for better skills to cultivate intimacy, can do well in recovery.

What to Expect

The first 3 to 6 months of couple’s recovery are usually the most stressful. Both partners will experience a wide range of powerful feelings. There are often difficulties in the areas of communication styles, intimacy levels, sexuality, spirituality, parenting, past trauma, and finances. Identification of the sexual addiction or co addiction systems, although painful at first, holds hope for the eventual relief of the far greater pain of the addiction.

The following is what to expect in the early stages:

Relief: The addict usually finds a great sense of relief after admitting the secrecy of the addiction. The end of the double life may bring a premature sense of accomplishment, which needs to be balanced by attending meetings, going to group therapy, and connecting with program friends for support. Co-addicts also feel a sense of relief at the end of secrecy and the validation of their experience of pain.

Anger: Both partners can expect to experience anger. The revelation that the life partner is a sex addict may trigger much anger, mixed with legitimate hurt and betrayal. The addict feels anger about the need to make changes as part of recovery. Both partners may blame and shame the other.

Hope: The work being done by both partners can bring new life and hope to their relationship.

Self esteem: The self esteem of both partners initially may worsen, but with continued work it will improve.

Intimacy: Recovering couples began to communicate at a more intimate level, often on issues they have never discussed before. Communication skills such as empathetic listening, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability, are essential to both partners recovery.

Grief: The addict experiences pain over the loss of their "best friend", the addiction. The co-addict mourns the loss of the relationship as it was imagined to be. Co-addicts often berate themselves for not having been aware of the addiction sooner.

Sexual issues: Sexuality has a different meaning in recovery. The goal becomes intimacy rather than intensity. Abstinence, and later the frequency, types, and quality of sexual contacts, are issues that recovering couples must address. Past sexual relationships, as well as possible past child sexual abuse of either partner, need to be explored. Where other sexual partners were involved, the possibility of an HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases must be faced early. Couples who continue to learn about healthy sexuality will do better as they address these sexual issues.