Standard sex addiction treatment protocol, especially in cases where a partner (or spouse) has discovered sexual betrayal by the addict, includes a process called “disclosure.” Disclosure is a 3-phase, structured and formal process, facilitated by both the partner’s therapist and the addict’s therapist. It occurs over a period of several months, usually starting about 6-9 months into therapy, ideally sooner. In the first phase, the addict reads the disclosure letter to the partner, explaining the ways in which the addict violated sexual boundaries, betrayed partner’s trust, was manipulative and deceitful. In the second phase, the partner reads the impact statement to the addict, describing the emotional pain, mental turmoil, sexual trauma, and other impacts of the betrayal. In the third phase, the addict reads the emotional restitution letter to the partner, empathizing with the partner’s emotional pain, fear, shame, and anger. This 3-phase process is typically very emotional and somewhat traumatic to both parties. Just like physical healing, emotional healing sometimes requires painful and traumatic “surgery.” Whereas the disclosure process is very challenging, it establishes a foundation of truth and honesty from which the couple can heal, grow, and eventually thrive.
After going through what may feel like another confessional, how does a partner know that the addict is being truthful in the disclosure letter or isn’t still trying to hide something, especially after years and years of lies? When the partner’s trust bucket is empty and when the partner’s gut instincts are thought to be unreliable, a polygraph exam can be a helpful tool. A scheduled post-disclosure polygraph exam also serves as an incentive for the addict to be completely honest. After reading a disclosure letter and then passing a polygraph exam, the addict often feels empowered: “Yes, I do have the capacity to be honest.” When the addict passes the polygraph exam, the partner can begin the journey of learning to trust the gut, again. To maintain a track record of honesty, addicts often repeat the polygraph exam about every 3 or 4 months for the next year or so. In combination with other recovery activities, polygraph exams can be a tool to help couples reestablish trust and honesty in their relationship.
But how reliable are polygraph exams, anyway? What if the addict receives a false positive – passes the exam while not being truthful? What if the addict receives a false negative – fails the exam while being truthful? How does the polygraph exam work, and what are the factors that might contribute to inaccurate results? Does the examiner’s personality or approach play a role in the accuracy of the results? Do all reputable examiners use essentially the same equipment and testing methods? Does the test-taker play a role in the accuracy of the results? These are some of the questions I started to ask myself when after many years of beneficial outcomes, I learned about someone who received inaccurate results. It made me question whether or not I should recommend its use in the future as part of the disclosure process. The undue emotional stress was costly for this individual, his wife, and the marriage.
First of all, "lie detector," the common term for polygraph, is a misnomer. I avoid the term, “lie detector,” and discourage its use by others. There is no specific physiological reaction associated with lying. Brain activity and mechanisms associated with lying are unknown, making it difficult to identify factors that separate liars from truth tellers. The premise behind polygraph is that a lie is associated with guilt, and guilt is associated with a stress response. So rather than using a misleading term like “lie detector,” I think a more suitable slang term for polygraph would be “stress detector.”
Polygraph testing involves inferring guilt or “deception” by measuring physiological responses to a series of questions. The polygraph measures and records several physiological indices such as blood pressure , pulse , respiration , and skin conductivity. These indices are represented by the familiar squiggly lines on a rolling tape. The problem with polygraphs is that although they are good at detecting a stress response, other factors besides guilt from not telling the truth may be present, like anxiety disorders such as PTSD, OCD, or ADHD, nervousness, fear, confusion, hypoglycemia, psychosis, depression, aggressive tactics by the examiner, substance use (nicotine, stimulants), or substance withdrawal (alcohol). A polygraph cannot differentiate stress caused by dishonesty and stress caused by something else.
Several questioning techniques are commonly used in polygraph tests. The most widely used test format is the Control Question Test (CQT). The CQT compares responses to relevant questions (e.g., “Did you have sex with a woman other than your wife?”), with those of control questions. The control questions are designed to control for the effect of the generally threatening nature of the relevant questions. Control questions concern misdeeds that are similar to those being investigated, but refer to the subject’s past and are usually broad in scope; for example, “Have you ever betrayed anyone who trusted you?”
A person who is telling the truth is assumed to fear the control questions more than the relevant questions. This is because the control questions are designed to arouse a subject’s concern about their past truthfulness, while relevant questions ask about a behavior they presumably know they did not commit. A pattern of greater physiological response to relevant questions than to control questions leads to a diagnosis of “deception.” Greater response to control questions leads to a judgment of “non-deception.” If no difference is found between relevant and control questions, the test result is considered “inconclusive.” These differences are subjective and based on interpretation by the examiner, and bias can result in the examiner drawing the wrong conclusion.
A fundamental problem with polygraph examinations is how operators establish what a lie looks like. Subjects are peppered with a variety of "control questions" to which the examiner anticipates a dishonest answer. Those who insist, for example, that they never stole something as a child or never tried illegal drugs in their youth are assumed to be lying -- and the examiner then uses those responses as a baseline for detecting deceptive answers to other questions. In addition, the underlying assumption (physiological response to guilt) is flawed, as well. There is no evidence that any pattern of physiological reactions is unique to deception. An honest person may be nervous when answering truthfully and a dishonest person may be non-anxious.
For now, although the idea of a polygraph may be comforting for the partner and/or the addict, the most practical advice is to remain skeptical about any conclusion wrung from a polygraph exam. Polygraphs not only falsely accuse honest people of lying – they also fail to detect skilled liars. Even using the high estimates of the polygraph's accuracy, 90%, false positives occur, and these people suffer the consequences of "failing" the polygraph. A 1997 survey in the Journal of Applied Psychology put the test's accuracy rate at only 61 percent.
If you are inclined to use polygraph as part of the disclosure process, know that it is just a tool. For best results, seek a polygraph examiner who is well versed in sexual addiction, sees the polygraph as part of the relationship repair process, and believes that recovery from sexual addiction is possible. I do not recommend examiners who approach the process as if the addict is a criminal. If an examiner wants to “nail” the addict, they can manipulate the test to increase the chances. These examiners are not interested in sexual addiction recovery for the addict and his or her partner, and I’m not interested in having them be part of the process.
When partners experience sexual betrayal,perhaps the most painful experience of trauma they may ever experience in their lives, they respond to the trauma with safety-seeking behaviors. The request for polygraph is sometimes one of them. Whereas safety-seeking behaviors are normal and natural, they are not healing. External forces may provide relief, but they never offer the sustainable healing energy we desire. The wounds of sexual betrayal are spiritual; the damage inflicts the person’s sole. Thus, the healing must also be spiritual and come from the divine within.
When a physical difference is present in someones life it is an outward sign to the world that something is different. The belief that everyone is looking and judging can be so real. We all can relate to feeling like everyone is staring. That feeling can lead to negative self talk, shame, or distance. In addition, there are often inner struggles that no can see that create the same reaction. We often can wonder if they only knew this about me, they would judge me. The shame can be overwhelming and yet is sometimes created just by the sense that someone is watching. It does not have to mean that, we just have to change our inner dialogue.
This theme song shares with us all that we are glorious! No matter what struggle, thought, look, or emotion we are having; we should not be afraid to share that with the world. Their response to us is about them.
"I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me "
I hope that you can watch the clip above, showing Kaela Settles auditioning for the movie. It is so moving and such a tribute to a beautiful movie and a beautiful message. I hope that my children continue to take this song in and believe it as much as I do about them. You deserve that too.